A few things

Our preschool stuff has been put on a hold for the time being. Well, not entirely, but I decided to stop trying to follow the curriculum until I can get this baby out of my belly. I'm 37 weeks and 4 days today and finding it increasingly difficult to keep up with anything, really, especially a crazy little 3 year old and her activities. I still have been doing a few random things with her, but definitely not enough to call it schoolwork. 

As far as the pregnancy is concerned, I've been ready to get this show on the road for sometime now. It's sort of strange. I spent the vast part of this pregnancy paranoid first about miscarriage, then about preterm labor, but now that I'm term I am so anxious for it to end. I'm not nearly as uncomfortable or miserable as I was with Kayla at this point. With her, I was crying pretty much every day, almost all day long. After 9 months of non-stop nausea and intense rib pain that sent me to the ER, I spent most nights curled in a ball begging for labor to start just to end the torture. I somehow KNEW that I couldn't possibly make it to 40 weeks with her. There was just no way. I feared it! But there was always something in the back of my mind telling me that my body was just not going to make it that long. And I was right. She was 10 days early and raring to go.

This time around, Paige just feels comfy where she is. I don't have that searing rib cage pain, I can breathe easily (I assume I carried very low all along), and the nausea hasn't been an issue at all since the first trimester. There are days when I have a ton of contractions and swear that it will be THE day, but then they slow down and stop hurting and I go back to idly sitting around just wondering what's happening in there. I was convinced that I'd never make to to term for several reasons. I had some early bleeding, and I've read that bleeding early on in the first and second trimesters can increase the likelihood of preterm labor. I also was diagnosed with irritable uterus, and several statistics have said there is a significant increase in chance of preterm labor because of that. My cervix is also very friable- and I don't think there's any literature on that causing preterm labor, but I just had a hunch that it wouldn't be able to hold her in as well as a cervix that was strong and not overly sensitive. Aside from that, Kayla was so early, and it's also common for subsequent pregnancies to go even earlier than prior ones. All of those things combined had be scared to death of preterm labor, and any sign of contraction or blood I was calling the doctor and going to the ER.

Well, here I am, considered term at 37 weeks and 4 days. A recent ultrasound showed my fluid levels and the baby are both doing well, but the doctor does believe she dropped since my uterus started suddenly measuring 3 weeks behind. At 35 weeks my cervix was soft, but not dilated. I don't know if that's changed. I've been experiencing insane and unfair contractions. All Braxton Hicks, of course, but they're so frequent I don't even both timing them most of the time. Most places will say to call the doctor when you get 4 an hour- I get at least 10 every single hour and have for months now. And when I don't get so many of them, I'll get fewer, but ones that actually last for 10-15 minutes straight no matter what I do to stop it. Just walking around with my stomach contracted. There are periods of time where they will start coming with some sort of consistency, but don't get progressively stronger so I never call. That's not to say they don't hurt- oh no. They do. Two days ago, from 9AM to about 6PM, I experienced painful contractions every 3-8 minutes. They lasted about 30 seconds long each, some a little longer, some less. But since they didn't get stronger, I assumed they weren't real. When I talked to the doctor that night they slowed down and were about 20 minutes apart. She told me that if they ever got so frequent again, even if they weren't getting stronger or I was otherwise convinced they weren't real, that I should go into Labor and Delivery anyway just to check. That night they started up again, more painful, but not so often. The next morning they were back to be completely random. So I've come to the conclusion that my body is just screwing with me and I'll be that person that gives birth on the kitchen floor because I didn't realize when real labor started.

I know, I know- there will be a difference that is noticeable, I'm sure. And I'll probably have more than enough time to get to the hospital, even if it does take me a long time to realize. But I've been spending so long now forcing myself to essentially ignore ALL the signs that have come before now that it could be labor that I am worried I'll miss it when it does happen. And for the record, although it's not common, some women really don't realize they're in actual labor. People really DO give birth in their cars and homes and on the side of the road just because their contractions weren't textbook or there was so little warning or a fast labor. Even if it is an uncommon occurrence, it's not entirely unheard of and therefore is a genuine concern in my book!

But since that day with the crazy contractions there hasn't been another like it. I'm still super curious about whether I've made any progress or not, but I probably won't find out.  I get the impression my doctor probably won't check. No big deal since it doesn't really mean much, but at the same time, it'd be interesting to know whether all the annoying contractions are for nothing.

In the mean time, with Kayla, I've been keeping her preoccupied with some very lazy sort of things for me. She does a lot of coloring and painting, puzzles, and playing with her blocks and other things. As much as I am embarrassed to admit it, TV has been on much more than I might normally keep it on. On a normal day she will get TV while she's eating (it for whatever reason has helped get her to eat her food more if she can watch TV while she does, and she was a ridiculously bad eater before so I do whatever it takes). Even when the TV is on she often times wanders away to do other things- so I take that as my sign that so far it's not an issue. I can't wait until I have the energy and strength back to get back into doing the more creative and fun things.

I thought that I maybe had a burst of nesting today, though. I woke up with an absurd amount of energy compared to the past few months. I hopped out of bed, got Kayla up, we went downstairs and I was cleaning more than I have in two weeks.

Kayla's preschool stuff isn't the only schedule that's been nixed for the time being- my cleaning schedule has just been entirely ditched temporarily. The house is a wreck and I just don't care at the moment. Brian actually has asked me to stop cleaning the bathrooms because of there's no ventilation, and the last time I tried to really get in there and clean I almost passed out from both fatigue and the smell of Lysol.

Well, anywho, I did a ton of laundry, surfaced clean in the kitchen, actually went around and picked up the toys in the living room that I've been perpetually just kicking to the sides of the room and out of the way. Felt so good! I did still avoid the chemicals because that was sort of scary last time, but I did wipe things down and freshen up the place a bit which felt nice. I'm hoping this little unexplained burst is another sign something is happening soon.

I shouldn't be so anxious to get her out of me, but the more time I have to think about labor, the more nervous I get. Last time labor was so easy for me- 4 pushes and she was out. I'm worried about a few things. 1.) What if it's harder this time? What if I can't do as well with pushing as I did last time? What if it takes more than 4 pushes? I said it was easy, and it was, but by 4 pushes I was already EXHAUSTED. That's embarrassing to admit, but it's entirely the truth. The doctor actually yelled at me because after the 3rd push I told him I was too tired and couldn't do any more. I'm sure after seeing women labor and push for hours, hearing someone who pushed 3 times say they couldn't do any more is annoying. But I'm no athlete. I'm way out of shape, even though I look nice and thin. No muscle tone whatsoever on this frame. And the herculean feat of pushing a person of out me is seriously worrisome. I can't even climb a flight of stairs without being out of breath.

More concerning to me is that last labor resulted in several very painful and long-term problems with my bum. I had hemorrhoids, which are normal and generally go away after a few weeks. Mine did not. I also wound up having an anal fissure that went undiagnosed for 3 years. I had to have surgery on it by the time they discovered it, and only after experiencing some of the worst pain in my entire life. I'd give birth 10000 times before ever wanting another fissure. On the list of my most painful things I've experienced, it ranks as #1. I had just recovered from the surgery when we found out I was pregnant. The idea of pushing and possibly causing that to happen again is frightening to the point of anxiety. I don't even care about tearing in my girly-bits. As long as I don't cause any tearing any where else I'll consider it a miracle.

So yes, I'm a little apprehensive about the labor and the longer it takes the worse it gets. But every time I contract and it hurts, I actually like it. Not in a sadistic sort of way, but the pain like that would mean things are rolling, so I keep hoping for that pain when I know it's the real deal. Ask me how I feel about that statement when I really am in labor.

So, that's basically the update of things around here. I got a lot of gift cards to Barnes and Noble between Christmas and my birthday so I've been dividing them up between myself and Kayla. Bought her some new books and have been trying to decide which books she has to have. So far the only one we received in the mail was Princess Smartypants. It got good reviews, but I didn't read all of them, and I realized quickly that I unintentionally bought Kayla her first bit of feminist literature that borders on Femi-nazi stuff. I didn't read it all yet but.. sheesh. I'll have to get back on how I feel about the book when I do.

So for now, just keeping focused on the goal.. my eyes are on the prize... and hopefully soon I can update with a picture of our new little one and get things back on track around this place.