My Breastfeeding Swansong

Ok. Here it is. The beginning of the end.

Paige is almost three months old. This isn't as long as I was hoping to nurse, but I know that it probably won't be long before I stop. I'm surprised with how well I'm handling it but that could be because I'm not really letting it set in yet.

At some point last week, she started to refuse to nurse during the day. It started out with her just pulling away a few times, but I finally stopped trying after days of screaming throughout  the whole process. She'd drink, pull away, scream for several minutes, try again, pull away, scream- repeat repeat repeat. I have a forceful letdown and the poor child was being practically drowned. And it wasn't just for a few moments at the beginning of each nursing session, it lasted almost the entire time. When the spray finally settled down into a reasonable flow for her to comfortably drink, there was very little left for her get. She's have to nurse for a really long time because of how little she was getting at once.

I have tried block feeding to get it under control, but that hasn't helped. I have tired to express some before she eats, but like I said, it's like everything comes spraying out until there's hardly any left so expressing some doesn't help.

I can really tell a difference between day and night nursing. I guess my supply drops a bit at night and it's bearable, because she still can nurse alright after 8 PM or so. She doesn't choke, hiccup, or even spit up over night. During the day we were a hot mess every single time.

So I started to pump during the day. After only a week, my supply has dropped. I'm doing everything I can to keep it up (Mother's milk tea, lots of water, oatmeal, etc.). But just like last time with my oldest daughter, pumping doesn't seem to be keeping my supply going as well as it should.

I'll keep trying and as long as I'm getting a decent amount, I'll continue to try to pump. But I just know this is the beginning of the end of my breastfeeding. My letdown issue won't resolve itself, so she probably won't be willing to nurse when she's choking. It really is a traumatic experience for us both so I can't say I blame her.

So we will see. I don't know what will happen in the upcoming weeks. I'm not anti-formula like some of my breastfeeding cohorts are. I have no concerns for her health or intelligence. In fact, my main reason for breastfeeding was COST of formula more than anything else. All the other benefits were just an added bonus for me. I'm just a little bummed to see things going down this path again but I'm much more prepared than I was when it didn't work out with Kayla, and I'm hoping that if we do stop completely, I won't have that overwhelming guilt like I did last time.