In Defense of Child Harnesses

Ok, I just want to go ahead and get this off my chest. I have used a child harness. There, I said it. I used to be one of those judgmental people who looked at parents using those leashes on their kids and shake my head in disbelief. In my naive state of mind I questioned why they couldn't just hold their children's hands, or better yet- teach their children to stay put and listen to them.

Then I had Kayla, and it threw my worldview upside-down. Here was this little toddler who was on the go from the moment she was born. Literally, almost, because she was rolling onto her side at 3 days old. THREE DAYS. Not to mention that while in utero I felt as though my internal organs were being pulverized and that she'd burst from my stomach with one more kick. And since those first movements I have had the challenge of my life attempting to control this little, energetic, adventurous, willful child. Everything that Kayla wants, she will fight to get. There is very little compromise in any toddler, but she's even more determined than than the average two year old.

So, when it came to be that she fought us when being put in the stroller and just wanted to walk, we appeased her. After all, it's not a bad thing to encourage a kid to learn to walk on their own- who wants to be pushing a stroller around any longer than they need to, right? Then we quickly learned that not only did she want to walk, but she wanted to walk without holding our hands. And this confrontation usually went the same way every time: we let her begin walking, and ask for her hand. She acts as though we never spoke and continues on her way. We reach down, grab her hand, and tell her she needs to let us hold her hand. She rips her hand away, and continues walking. We reach down and grab it again, more firmly, and she pulls back, even more determined, and beginning to get pissed off now. We stop her completely in her tracks and crouch down at her level, trying to calmly tell her that there's no option- she has to stay with us and hold our hand. She then throws herself on the floor and refuses to move, all the while screaming loudly and causing a scene. We attempt to pick her up and she kicks wildly, screaming, writhing out of our arms. Repeat this little episode until we either leave completely or continue on our way with her melting down in public and causing angry people to look to us as though we are ruining their day. (Yes, because listening to a screaming kid for 10 minutes is MUCH worse than dealing with the screaming child all day long. I'm trying to parent a child, here, teach her right from wrong, mold a human being. Back the hell off you selfish jerks.)

I've listened to people who are against the harnesses speak as though because their children cooperated and learned to hold still and behave, that all children OBVIOUSLY should. It's wonderful for them that their kids held their hand and didn't run, but to assume that all children are as willing to be confined as their own, or that parents are just bad parents because their children don't cooperate is just cruel and unrealistic. Parents of runners understand each other, and parents who've never had one of these kids doesn't. It's basically that simple. If you are of the belief that all kids are passive and controllable as long as you're a good enough parent, then you're ignorant. My daughter's stubborn streak isn't a result of our bad parenting... if anything... it's genetically passed own from my husband. But it doesn't reflect that I'm doing something wrong and it was because of all the condescending onlookers that it took me a long time to realize that.

I've also seen people argue that leashing your child is degrading because they're not a dog. Yes, because toddlers and dogs are REALLY so different. Let's evaluate for a moment. A dog and a toddler are both impulsive, curious, free-spirited creatures with little to no understanding of how the world actually works. Neither would understand impending dangers such as an oncoming car in the road, or a fall that could kill them, or a stranger with intent to take or hurt them. If either got lost, they would both wander aimlessly until someone found them and helped them or they were harmed or killed. Neither knows to stay put wherever they are and wait for help, or to find 'someone in a uniform, like a police officer, or someone who works here' or any other responsible adult. And yes, many dogs and toddlers actually COULD be trained to stay right next to their caregivers without wandering away. Many can not. And even the most well-trained dog or toddler can see something that attracts their attention enough to send them flying without notice, because shiny things are distracting sometimes, ya know? Perhaps most importantly, dogs and toddlers both have people who love them and they trust to look out for them, people who are adults and know better than they do. That's why in most cases, dog owners do leash their dogs while out in public. Not because they're just 'treating them like dogs' but because they know that dogs need to be kept safe sometimes. Parents of harnessed toddlers aren't 'treating their kids like dogs,' either. They're realizing that their kids, while human beings, aren't capable of thinking like full-grown humans yet. They're toddlers. By nature they're inquisitive, impulsive, self-centered, and naive. If you add willful, high-energy and adventurous to the mix, then you've got a huge potential for harm coming to that kid. Or in the very least, for losing that child because you needed to look away for a moment.

It's been said before, but I'll say it again. It really does only take ONE moment. I don't know any person who can stare at their child every second they're out in public. I mean, you'd be walking into walls. The best, most attentive of parents still have to watch where they're going, right?

I was originally so irritated with the judgments of these people who hate the harnesses. But then I realized that it is those same people who would be shooting looks of disgust at the parents who don't leash their children and they're running wild. I mean, sometimes it's the parents neglect, yes, but I've also been that person struggling to control my daughter and keep her still in public, getting those looks myself. They're also the same people who would probably automatically blame a lost child on a neglectful parent. So in the eyes of these people, parents like me- parents with willful, spirited, high-energy, determined toddlers who will fight you every step of the way to get what they want- we can't win. So I'm tempted to admit that I'm actually jealous of them. How wonderful it must be to be the perfect parent, with perfect, passive, well-behaved children!

But then I realize that it's my daughter who will be CEO of the company that won't even hire their children, and I don't feel so badly any more.