I'm 15 weeks Pregnant

Well, depending on whether you ask my doctor or my online ticker, I'm either 15 weeks or 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant. The doctor insisted my due date was February 12th, but the also told me I was one day ahead where the online calculators and other Feb. 12th mommies say I am. I'm not complaining, but it's a little confusing.

The baby is doing well. We had an NT scan and the results were all normal- not that the doctor even bothered to contact me about them. I just read the paper before I handed it back over to the tech, and the result was written on there. I googled it later, and the number was very within normal range.

I have to admit that I'm not thrilled with my doctor, but sadly I'm just too lazy to find another at this point. She's never had good bedside manner, and I also don't feel like she's very thorough about anything. I guess the coming weeks will confirm that for me. My only 'normal' appointment with her was at almost 10 weeks, and it was the fastest sort of check up you could imagine. Other than that, my experience with her has been her disinterested comments about my 'almost certain' miscarriage. She has actually delivered news of that nature with a smile, and then a quick, "I'm sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear."

As far as how I've been feeling- meh. The nausea has been better, especially when I take the Zofran. That stuff is just a miracle drug. The only problem with the medicine was actually when the doctor prescribed Phenergan for the days after I ran out of Zofran. Insurance would only cover 12 pills every 30 days, and wouldn't budge when they asked for more. So she gave me the phenergan, and I had a terrible, terrible reaction to it, so bad that I wound up in the ER. I honestly thought I was dying, or having a stroke, or something. I took it at 4 PM, and by 5 I was so tired that I could barely lift my head. When Brian got home, I said nothing and walked upstairs and just collapsed in bed. I couldn't move,and every limb felt like it weighed 100 pounds. I could barely speak because I couldn't move my mouth. I was nearly catatonic. Brian called me down for dinner, and I managed to get downstairs after about 15 minutes of willing each part of me to move, and then I couldn't even hold my arms up to the table or hold the silverware. When I went back upstairs I was completely passed out until the morning. I was nearly immobile for almost 17 hours.

When I got up I could move again, so I thought that was good. I got Kayla up, dressed and downstairs. I gave her some breakfast, and sat down at the table intending to read the medicine's pamphlet to see if my reaction was normal. As I started to read it, I realized that I couldn't see the words. I got insanely hot, my breathing got shallow, and I felt my heart starting to race. My vision started to tunnel to black but with a bunch of light starbusts, and I ran to the bottom of the stairs to call Brian. He didn't hear me, so I started to climb, still feeling everything closing in and, calling him again and again. By the time I got to the stairs, I let out one good scream and collapsed on the floor. I couldn't see anything. I know I told Brian something was wrong, I couldn't see. He got me into bed at some point, and after a few minutes my vision was ok again and I started feeling normal. But I called the doctor and she said it sounded like blood pressure and since I took the meds last night it probably wasn't related. She sent me to the ER just to get checked.

The doctor at the ER barely looked at me, but seemed confident that it was a reaction from the medicine. She called it a dystonic reaction. She was even able to get the insurance company to allow 30 pills a month since I definitely couldn't take any other medicine. All they did was give me benadryl and told me not to take the medicine again- duh. Well, other than that, things have been pretty normal.

I'm showing more this time. I already look 5 months pregnant. oooof.

Still no kicking or anything. I sometimes think I feel things, but I'm not entirely sure.

I'm always, always tired, but I also blame Kayla for that one.

Kayla is her normal, crazy self. She knows of the baby, but I'm sure she really grasps the idea yet. She will tell you that she wants a sister (sometimes a brother, but mostly a sister now). She's so good with babies so I'm sure she will be ok once this one arrives.

Now that I don't have Kylie any more I am trying to force myself to cook more. It's not easy because Brian is so unbelievably difficult, but I'm still trying. Even just crock pot meals- I already have two for the week. I've been horrendously slacking on the preschool curriculum with Kayla, and I just got everything out to get organized again. I want to start the Five in a Row this fall, so I have to finish up the letteroftheweek.com curriculum. I am also going to enroll her in a tumbling class very soon!



I'll post some pregnancy pictures soon. Gotta run for now- naptime!


Edit:
13 weeks, 6 days



The Belly at 15 weeks

I am 8 weeks pregnant

Yup!

Today I'm tentatively 8 weeks, 1 day pregnant and feeling appropriately like crap. Nothing compared to last time with Kayla when I was throwing up at least 3 times every day, and couldn't even sit in a car let alone ride in one without hurling. So far, I've only thrown up twice and once was Kayla's fault for pooping and smearing it on her bedroom wall. That's another story entirely.

The nausea is pretty much constant but I'm relatively functional. I have been slacking on Kayla's letter of the week, which I really shouldn't and feel guilty. But right now I'm spending much more of my time and focus on not throwing up, so there's very little for other thoughts.

Aside from that I've been a little tired and feeling what I think is some round ligament pain. My pants already are getting tight and something about that just isn't fair.

We had a little scare earlier, so the fact I'm even this far in the pregnancy is a miracle. On June 21st I went to the ER for spotting and cramping and the found that I had a subchorionic hematoma, where there is blood between the placenta and the uterus. Not a huge issue and it usually resolves itself, but the thing that worried me the most is he said they thought I was only 4 weeks. I was dating it at 6 weeks, and that seems like a huge difference. He told me my beta level was at 5999.

4 days later at the regular doctor, they still couldn't even see an embryo, just a sac. And my hormones only went up to 6085. She rushed me to the hospital for an ultrasound to see if it was ectopic, but told me based on everything that it was a non-developing pregnancy.

It wasn't ectopic, so she prepared for the a miscarriage and made another appointment for a week later. Something about making a woman in this position wait an entire week for confirmation of a dead embryo is just cruel beyond measure. I was so depressed by the following week I just didn't care what they had to say. I was still feeling pregnant with sore boobs, nausea, headaches, everything. That, too, seemed unfair that I would lose the pregnancy but still have to suffer these symptoms.

Well, surprise surprise, she saw something on the ultrasound. SHe said because of the hematoma that they couldn't be sure with their equipment that it was an embryo and not a blood clot. She sent me again to be hospital for a better ultrasound the following day, where they found an embryo, heartbeat, and were able to date it at 6 weeks 5 days. That would be almost a week off from what I thought, and a week off from what the ER told me. Some somewhere comfortable in the middle of two wrong dates.

I went from having a 20% chance of a developing, viable pregnancy to having a little embryo with a heartbeat.

It's sort of annoying, however, that my family who knows all about this stuff immediately asks "Well, does this mean the baby will have problems?" Really? That's you first reaction to all this? Shouldn't you just be happy to hear the incredible news that the little bugger overcame an 80% of not even surviving? Sometimes people really know exactly what to say to people, I tell ya.

Well, now I'm waiting for the next appointment in a few days. Hopefully more good news ensues. For now I'm stuck battling my ultra-sensitive nose, which currently can't find the source of the cat food smell it's detecting around our computer desk. We have a cat, but when I smell her cat food, that's not the same smell. Something in this general vicinity smells like catfood, and it's getting nearly unbearable.

Gotta run!

News

I'm pregnant!

We found out on June 15th when I got a positive home pregnancy test, and it certainly shocked me. Not in a bad way, but still, I really didn't think I could even get pregnant any more. With my ridiculous cycle and the history of girly-part problems in my family, I was convinced it wouldn't happen. Nevermind the fact that Brian and I had been trying for 9 months with no luck.

We estimated that when I found out I was about 4 weeks, maybe 5. Since then I was experiencing cramping and spotting, and by yesterday (June 21st) I was worried and slightly losing my mind enough to head to the ER, hoping they would do a couple of quick tests to put my mind at ease. I know that both cramping and bleeding can be common and totally normal, but I couldn't concentrate for worrying about it.

I spent 6 hours there yesterday. Went in at 11:30 and sat for about an hour in the waiting room before they called me in for some bloodwork. Then, about 20 minutes after that, I was called back again for more bloodwork. Back into the waiting room after that, pee cup in hand, for another stint there. It wasn't too much longer after that when they called me back and set me up in a backless gown and little nook with a bed. It was 2:30. A couple of nurses came in to take some vitals but other than that, I was alone for another hour before a doctor came in to verify that my lab results indicated that I was very likely pregnant. Ok?

He ordered an ultrasound and by 3:30 I was back in my little room, waiting. And waiting. And waiting. By 5, another nurse came in to tell me she was taking over, and I asked her if she could tell me how long it was going to be. Brian had to be at work at 1, and I really had to get home soon. She got cold and said she didn't know. Then I told her that I was so hungry, and that I hadn't eaten or had a drink since 9 this morning. She told me I wasn't allowed to eat or drink until the doctor saw me. Great.

Another half an hour went by, and I called the nurse using the button to tell them I really, really had to get going soon, was there any way they could please find out how long this was going to be. She said Ok, she'd check. 15 minutes later, I got dressed, walked up to the desk with my bag in hand and said that I had to leave. Now. The snarky woman behind the counter said to the doctor, now sitting across the bay at a computer, "Doctor So and So, 18 has to leave... NOW." He asked if I was able to, and I said I felt about the same as I did before, but I really couldn't stay an longer because my husband was already almost 5 hours late for work. He then started to tell me what he found on the ultrasound, which he had been looking at as we spoke.

They found that I had a subchorionic hematoma. Basically, a blood clot in between the placenta and uterus. He gave a quick description, and then said he'd meet me back in the room and I'd be discharged.

When he came back, I asked him if that meant I'd miscarry. He said it was a possibility, but that many people had these and had perfectly healthy babies. As far as what was to be done- nothing. Sometimes they correct themselves, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they can lead to miscarriage, sometimes preterm labor if unresolved by 20 weeks, sometimes they are gone by the next ultrasound. Many people get to about 20 weeks and then lose their babies.

I went home and started googling it, which was probably a bad idea. I found there were plenty of positive stories of success with these things, but there's still a good number of people who's outcome isn't so happy. I knew going in there yesterday that something was wrong. I've had a bad, gut feeling about things since I found out. You'd think that having tried for so long to get pregnant that the positive test would make me elated, but I felt morose and hesitant to tell anyone about the pregnancy, especially family. Brian wanted to scream it from the mountaintops, and it was all I could do to stop him from putting it on Facebook.

And now I feel even more distanced. I know that there's nothing I can do one way or another to affect the outcome of this, but it's easier for everyone else to say not to worry. They're not feeling the constant cramping and pulling I'm feeling. They don't see the blood every time they go to the bathroom. Even knowing that I really shouldn't be concerned, I can't do anything but worry with the perpetual, ever-present reminder that things aren't right. So instead of feeling happy and excited, like I obviously hoped for this pregnancy, I'm not even allowing myself to think of myself as pregnant. As a general rule now, I try to imagine that someone ELSE is pregnant. Someone else has this ridiculous worry to deal with, and someone else might possible miscarry or go into preterm labor.

Aside from that, they dated the pregnancy at 4 weeks. Which is just not accurate. The math is wrong, and it wouldn't have been physically possible. I'll not dwell on that one just yet until I get a better dating. He said the embryo was so small they couldn't read anything on it, including whether or not it was even in the uterus. Great.

Next appointment is Friday. Three more days, if you include today. We'll see.

Letter Success- Our first breakthrough

FINALLY.

Weeks (14, now, to be exact) have gone by without a semblance of a trace of an interest from Kayla in letters and their sounds. I know she's not even three, but there will always be a part of me that expects her to show me how smart I know she is, even when I know she's a toddler and prone to being easily distracted or stubborn.

I made a letter board and hung in it her little book nook. I toss the letter of the week up there and then add pictures of things that start with that letter. Last week I had M hanging up, and added pictures of Muno, Mommy, Mouse, Monkey and Moon. Several times a day, as I have for the past two months (plus), I ask her what words start with the letter M, and finally, FINALLY, this week she actually got some. "Muno! Mommy! Mousie!" Of course I'm pretty sure she's not gasping that it's the MMM sound, but remembering the pictures from the board is a start. I guess we'll see how the other letters go, but for now I'm reveling in our minor success.

Today's happy mommy moment brought to you by the letter M.

Another Random Update

Kayla's been doing pretty well. We're on week 12 of the letteroftheweek.com preparatory curriculum, and she's picked up on quite a bit. She's very successfully added several words to her vocabulary (vines, claws, duckling, dough, etc.) and she can identify new things like lighthouses and crescent moons. She also knows the difference between a full and crescent moon. We're beginning to have some issues learning numbers- we're slow to pick up 11 and 12, and although she can usually count up to 14 if she's in the mood, sometimes she struggles with identifying the numbers by themselves or remembering what they're called (for example, she'll say 'eleventeen' instead of 'eleven'). As far as letter sounds go, she can't care less. She identifies the letters just fine, but so far we're not connected them to specific sounds. Gotta keep working on it.

I made the corner of the bottom of the stairs Kayla's reading nook. Kylie kept eating all Kayla's paperback books, so I moved them up onto the landing and moved the kitchen set down where the books were. I put her little soft chair up there and a corkboard above it where I hang the letter of the week and pictures of things that start with that letter. I'll get pictures soon.

Kylie's parents are very happy about the preschool thing... they look forward to seeing how Kylie does picking up on information. I'm glad I'm surrounded by so much positive feedback!

In Defense of Child Harnesses

Ok, I just want to go ahead and get this off my chest. I have used a child harness. There, I said it. I used to be one of those judgmental people who looked at parents using those leashes on their kids and shake my head in disbelief. In my naive state of mind I questioned why they couldn't just hold their children's hands, or better yet- teach their children to stay put and listen to them.

Then I had Kayla, and it threw my worldview upside-down. Here was this little toddler who was on the go from the moment she was born. Literally, almost, because she was rolling onto her side at 3 days old. THREE DAYS. Not to mention that while in utero I felt as though my internal organs were being pulverized and that she'd burst from my stomach with one more kick. And since those first movements I have had the challenge of my life attempting to control this little, energetic, adventurous, willful child. Everything that Kayla wants, she will fight to get. There is very little compromise in any toddler, but she's even more determined than than the average two year old.

So, when it came to be that she fought us when being put in the stroller and just wanted to walk, we appeased her. After all, it's not a bad thing to encourage a kid to learn to walk on their own- who wants to be pushing a stroller around any longer than they need to, right? Then we quickly learned that not only did she want to walk, but she wanted to walk without holding our hands. And this confrontation usually went the same way every time: we let her begin walking, and ask for her hand. She acts as though we never spoke and continues on her way. We reach down, grab her hand, and tell her she needs to let us hold her hand. She rips her hand away, and continues walking. We reach down and grab it again, more firmly, and she pulls back, even more determined, and beginning to get pissed off now. We stop her completely in her tracks and crouch down at her level, trying to calmly tell her that there's no option- she has to stay with us and hold our hand. She then throws herself on the floor and refuses to move, all the while screaming loudly and causing a scene. We attempt to pick her up and she kicks wildly, screaming, writhing out of our arms. Repeat this little episode until we either leave completely or continue on our way with her melting down in public and causing angry people to look to us as though we are ruining their day. (Yes, because listening to a screaming kid for 10 minutes is MUCH worse than dealing with the screaming child all day long. I'm trying to parent a child, here, teach her right from wrong, mold a human being. Back the hell off you selfish jerks.)

I've listened to people who are against the harnesses speak as though because their children cooperated and learned to hold still and behave, that all children OBVIOUSLY should. It's wonderful for them that their kids held their hand and didn't run, but to assume that all children are as willing to be confined as their own, or that parents are just bad parents because their children don't cooperate is just cruel and unrealistic. Parents of runners understand each other, and parents who've never had one of these kids doesn't. It's basically that simple. If you are of the belief that all kids are passive and controllable as long as you're a good enough parent, then you're ignorant. My daughter's stubborn streak isn't a result of our bad parenting... if anything... it's genetically passed own from my husband. But it doesn't reflect that I'm doing something wrong and it was because of all the condescending onlookers that it took me a long time to realize that.

I've also seen people argue that leashing your child is degrading because they're not a dog. Yes, because toddlers and dogs are REALLY so different. Let's evaluate for a moment. A dog and a toddler are both impulsive, curious, free-spirited creatures with little to no understanding of how the world actually works. Neither would understand impending dangers such as an oncoming car in the road, or a fall that could kill them, or a stranger with intent to take or hurt them. If either got lost, they would both wander aimlessly until someone found them and helped them or they were harmed or killed. Neither knows to stay put wherever they are and wait for help, or to find 'someone in a uniform, like a police officer, or someone who works here' or any other responsible adult. And yes, many dogs and toddlers actually COULD be trained to stay right next to their caregivers without wandering away. Many can not. And even the most well-trained dog or toddler can see something that attracts their attention enough to send them flying without notice, because shiny things are distracting sometimes, ya know? Perhaps most importantly, dogs and toddlers both have people who love them and they trust to look out for them, people who are adults and know better than they do. That's why in most cases, dog owners do leash their dogs while out in public. Not because they're just 'treating them like dogs' but because they know that dogs need to be kept safe sometimes. Parents of harnessed toddlers aren't 'treating their kids like dogs,' either. They're realizing that their kids, while human beings, aren't capable of thinking like full-grown humans yet. They're toddlers. By nature they're inquisitive, impulsive, self-centered, and naive. If you add willful, high-energy and adventurous to the mix, then you've got a huge potential for harm coming to that kid. Or in the very least, for losing that child because you needed to look away for a moment.

It's been said before, but I'll say it again. It really does only take ONE moment. I don't know any person who can stare at their child every second they're out in public. I mean, you'd be walking into walls. The best, most attentive of parents still have to watch where they're going, right?

I was originally so irritated with the judgments of these people who hate the harnesses. But then I realized that it is those same people who would be shooting looks of disgust at the parents who don't leash their children and they're running wild. I mean, sometimes it's the parents neglect, yes, but I've also been that person struggling to control my daughter and keep her still in public, getting those looks myself. They're also the same people who would probably automatically blame a lost child on a neglectful parent. So in the eyes of these people, parents like me- parents with willful, spirited, high-energy, determined toddlers who will fight you every step of the way to get what they want- we can't win. So I'm tempted to admit that I'm actually jealous of them. How wonderful it must be to be the perfect parent, with perfect, passive, well-behaved children!

But then I realize that it's my daughter who will be CEO of the company that won't even hire their children, and I don't feel so badly any more.

Articles

http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_Socialization/

http://media.johnwiley.com.au/product_data/excerpt/45/04717481/0471748145.pdf