The Frustrated and Stressed Breastfeeding Mother's Top Ten Reasons to Continue Breastfeeding

I am not one of those women who loves breastfeeding. I barely even like it. When I read about other women's experiences I pictures rainbows and butterflies just exploding out of their nursing bras every time they feed their babies, smiles on their faces and an angelic choir singing somewhere in the background.

I'm usually a sweaty, milk-stained, hot mess with blood shot eyes and preschooler somewhere whining as my eye twitches.

I've spent over two months now working on this graceful and happy breastfeeding thing. For whatever reason, it's just not me. I accept it now. I can live with the fact that I'm missing the womanly gene that gives most other breastfeeding moms that warm and fuzzy feeling inside. Either that or it's tangled up in the strand of DNA that also likes NOT having to disrobe every hour or two to feed my baby, or possibly the one that enjoys wine. Obviously, the whole health aspect of it is great, but sometimes it's hard for me to remember that while I'm struggling to remain vigilant. So instead of feeling entirely agitated about the whole experience, I've come up with a few positives to focus on and get me through this trying time.

So here they are:

10.) The incentive to wear all those clothes that get shoved into the back of the closet. Sure, there's a lot more laundry when you have to change your shirt three times a day because you leak all over it, but at least that shirt that I haven't worn in 6 months gets a little air time.

9.) It's good practice in the event that I lose an arm. I can now make breakfast, lunch and dinner, clean, sort, and fold laundry, wipe the counters, mop the floor, dust, open mail, buckle my preschooler into her carseat and get her out of it, type on the computer, fix my hair and make up, make coffee, push a shopping cart, and create a play-doh snowman.... all using only one arm.

8.) The opportunity to leave a room or walk away at any moment I feel like it. Run into someone you don't feel like talking to? "Oh, sorry, I need to feed the baby! Let's definitely get together for lunch though! (Yeah, right!)" Your family driving you up the wall? "I'm going to go feed her in the bedroom, now!" It's like a built-in excuse to get out of any situation you want without coming off as rude. Just the opposite- most people will think you're just avoiding making them uncomfortable.

7.) Getting the most out of my monthly Netflix membership. I bet I've made them regret that low monthly fee for streaming video. In my first month of nursing alone I finished watching the series to date of Mad Men, most of X-files, and all 6 seasons of Lost- twice. Why twice? Well, why not? Also, I sort of don't get it. And in the same vein, catching up on my reading. My Nook is on fire these past few weeks! I know that I'll miss having the chance to sit down for more than a few moments once the baby is a little older and on the move, so at least I know being confined to the couch and bed for hours at a time isn't going to waste.

6.) That moment when I walk by the formula in the store and realize that I can now spend my 15-25 dollars on ANYTHING besides formula. Chocolate bars, ice cream, a new book, hair dye, make up, cupcakes, a bottle of wine.... even though I know that in all actuality I'll probably spend it on the kids anyway. But just knowing I have that extra cash is enough to make me smile for the rest of the day.

5.) My mother-in-law doesn't like it. Enough said.

4.) Letting my husband catch up on bed time duty. When 7 PM rolls around, if I am feeling a little tired, I can call down to my beloved hubby and ask him if he can give our oldest a bath tonight because, well, I'm feeding the baby. It's not like he's checking to see if I'm smashing my soundly sleeping infant into my boob a little bit. Come on, in 4 years I can count on one hand the amount of baths he's given before this. I think he owes me a few, right?

3.) I'm certainly exhausted, but making bottles in the middle of the night would absolutely ensure I was even more tired. I remember those days with my older daughter. Not fun, or safe, wandering around the house like a zombie with a crying, hungry baby angrily waiting for her bottle. Of all the positive aspects of nursing, I think the ability to just whip out a boob and nurse in the middle of the night is probably the greatest advantage. I am a woman who loves my sleep, and definitely appreciate the ability to be a little lazy like that.

2.) Boobs. Just in general. I'm normally a small-chested sort of gal, so being able to fill out my shirts is like a lifetime achievement for me, and hearing my husband actually say, "Wow, you're tits look awesome!" makes me giggle like a schoolgirl. I guess this is what normal women go through when they first start developing during puberty. I totally get it now. These puppies rule. Helllloooo nurse!

1.) You wanna talk about an ego-boost? I don't think there will ever be anyone as excited to see my boobs as my hungry baby is.

Pregnancy updates

I also forgot to add some pregnancy updates. I'm 28 weeks and a few days... again. They changed my due date and didn't bother telling me, and I had to find out when they sent me to Labor and Delivery to have the baby monitored for slower movements. I really, really, really can't stand my doctor. She has no idea who I even am when I walk into the room and swears she's told me things that she definitely has not.

When I asked her if she delivered at the other hospital in the area, she told me "No, we tell all our patients that the first visit, I definitely told you the first time I saw you." I had to remind her that no, she definitely did NOT, because the first time she saw me I was brought in early as an emergency for bleeding, and she insisted my pregnancy was non-developing. Why would she have told me where she delivers while she's also telling me, absolutely, that my pregnancy isn't developing?

At the last appointment she also insisted my due date has never changed from the start. I had to remind her, again, that she was wrong, and then she gets awkward. It definitely did change, though, and she definitely did recalculate it twice because at my 8 week appointment when I thought I was due Feb. 19th, she told me twice I was due the 12th. Now I'm Suddenly due the 21st. It makes me wonder if she's dyslexic or if the date was written down backwards accidentally at some point. I know what she told me that one appointment way back when- definitely that I was 9 weeks and some days instead of 8 and some days, and that I was due the 12th. If she's insisting it was never changed, then I don't know what to make of it.

Anyway, I know it's a just an estimate, but the 12th is a huge jump from the 21st.

Aside from that my pregnancy isn't as painful as Kayla's was... I'm mostly just tired. All my other symptoms are fleeting and manageable. I did have a scare with her movement earlier this week that landed me in Labor and Delivery for monitoring, but it turns out that she's perfectly fine, just slipped into a position that is making me feel less now. It's just really strange to go from violent kicking all day long to barely anything at all.

My 1 hour glucose tolerance test came back abnormal. I was so surprised (I really expected to pass it) I forgot to ask the actual number while I was there. I read a ton of posts online about people's numbers, and decided to call and see what it was- 174. They said they do the 3 hour for anything over 120... so I was WAY over. Most of the other people online have doctors that fail you after 140. Either way- still WAY over. I did the 3 hour yesterday and that was some new form of torture for me. Fasting starting at 8 PM the night before, waking up hungry, exhausted, nauseous, thirsty, getting stuck with a needle 4 times in 4 hours, having to sit still in the waiting room the entire time... AND the last lab tech to draw blood messed up the needle so my blood squirted halfway across the room- all over me, her, the floor, the chair, and my suede bag that was on my lap. I think everyone in the room was waiting for me to lose it... they suddenly were all very helpful and overly nice. They must get a lot of nasty, hungry, crazy pregnant ladies in there for that test to know that at that point I was ready to rip someone apart anyway. But I was nice and just said it was fine. I was so relieved to be able to leave I couldn't even care at the moment.

By the time I got home I barely made it upstairs before I blacked out. Like, not sleeping- my vision tunneled again and I passed out. Not feeding pregnant people for 16 hours is just stupid. I came to, ate something, and passed out for 4 hours. Thankfully, Brian was home all day so he was with Kayla and I could sleep it off.

I get the results sometime next week. The statistics all say that about 2/3 of the people who have to take the 3 hour pass with flying colors. I'm hoping I'm in that category. I will be so surprised, again, if I actually do have it- I have none of the risk factors. If I do, then I'll be the most miserable person you can imagine being around. I feel bad for everyone who has to deal with me.

I have no problem admitting that my complaints are stupid and shallow, but I can't help it. I never have had to care about my diet- I'm lucky to be able to eat whatever I want and never gain weight. I have no other health problems to make my dieting a concern. I'm spoiled by being able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I don't even know what people with diabetes can't eat. Seriously. Carbs? Sugar? I don't even know what a carb actually is. After my appointment at he doctor when she told me I failed the 1 hour, shed told me to assume I have gestational diabetes for now until I get the results for the 3 hour. I stared blankly. She said to watch my carbs. So I came home, subduing the panic attack on the verge of happening, and wanted a sandwich. I remembered I needed to actually pay attention to the label, so I was looking at the bag for the nutritional information and lost it. I just sobbed. ANd sobbed. It was suddenly overwhelming. I was sitting there reading the levels for a slice of bread- I'd have to do this for everything I ate? My brain doesn't function on that level. I have anxiety attacks trying to prepare ONE MEAL without diet restraints- just trying to cook a regular old meal makes my heart race and my head spin. It's a large part of why I hate cooking. If I do cook anything, I need hours to prepare myself to do it. I go over each step in my head over and over. I go through the ingredients I'll need. I have to have all of them lined up on the counter, in the order that I'll need them, and I have to put everything away as I'm done with it because stuff on the counter just sitting there makes me nervous. SO yes, this whole caring in great detail about the carb content of food makes me cry.

But then again, I could, and more likely than not, and worrying over nothing. Since most people don't have a positive result from this second test, I am comforting myself in assuming it was just something I ate the morning before the 1 hour that cause my number to be so high.

I hope.

Crying Baby

http://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/crying-colic/pages/Responding-to-Your-Babys-Cries.aspx


So, if you knew me personally, you'd know that Kylie has a bit of a crying problem. Not really a huge problem, but a problem, nonetheless. She's a baby who is blessed enough at home to have two older brothers and parents who are always around to immediately tend to her every sound. I truly, truly believe that the immediate and constant response to a moment of frustration for her has led to her being very sensitive to any obstacle. She's very inquisitive and loves to explore, but she will get frustrated over practically nothing and let out a wail of utter distress. And it's not usually something that she will get over quickly unless you help her with what she wants. In other words, she's very dependent on her parents and me to do things that other infants might not be so needy with.

I'll give you an example of some of thing things I've noticed with her. When she was a little bit younger, she would be sitting and holding a small toy. If the toy dropped from her hands and landed next to her leg, well within grasping reach, most of the time she'd just scream and scream until I handed it to her. Even though all she'd have to reach her hand down and pick it up, she wanted me to hand it to her. Since she's become more mobile and crawling, that issue hasn't been that frequent.

The other big problem is her sleeping. Nap time was a nightmare for a long time. She wouldn't want to be put down to sleep, so we'd have to get to her fall asleep (just holding her, rocking, swinging, whatever) and then try to transfer her to the pack and play. Problem is that Kylie is the lightest sleeper ever, so moving her up the stairs or placing her in the pack and play always woke her up. So we decided to keep her in the swing to fall asleep. For a LONG time, the only way she would ever sleep was if she was swinging, music playing, with me sitting in front of the swing pushing it past it's normal limits to swing higher and faster. I also had to be looking at her. If any one of those factors wasn't right, she would just cry hysterically. If I was sitting there but not pushing her, she'd scream. If I was sitting there and pushing but looking away from her for even a moment, she wouldn't sleep. If I thought she was asleep, but she wasn't, and I'd get up to leave she would scream immediately. Falling asleep took a process of sometimes an hour worth of swinging, opening her eyes every couple of minutes to make sure that I was still there. It was... as I said... a nightmare.

Now she is 9 months old. I have been trying to find information online for a while now about normal behavior for babies this age, and help with the situation. I understand a clingy baby, and I am a firm believer that babies cry for a reason, even if it's just to say they want a hug. However, I was convinced that this behavior wasn't normal, and was totally unnecessary. After many weeks of debating, I finally decided to try a day of letting her cry for short periods to see if she would calm herself. And honestly... she did. I put her in the swing on that first day, and told her it was nap time. I gave her a kiss on her head, and I put the swing on. When I walked away, she cries as I expected. But I stood around the corner of the room and waited. After 3 minutes, I walked back in and gave her more kisses, calmed her, and walked out again. After 5 minutes, I went back in and did the same. The third time that I left, she cried for only a couple of minutes and then fell asleep. And it was the first time in... I couldn't even tell you how long... that she managed to get a nice, refreshing nap in. So from that point on I do this to let her sleep. At around the same time each day now (In the morning, it's about 10 AM, sometimes later; and around 2PM for her afternoon nap) she starts to act sleepy and sometimes cranky, I put her in the swing, and she almost always falls immediately to sleep now. Sometimes she gives a little fuss, but it never lasts more than a few minutes.

My point?

I read that article and it made me feel better. I think the most important part of it is that sometimes babies just have to cry a little. There's no reason to let a baby scream for long periods of time when you're available to console them, and I don't believe that crying-it-out is ever a suitable method for very small babies. But once a baby reaches about 6 months old, I do think it's important for them to learn to be frustrated a little bit. Not a whole lot, but just a little.

Kylie was also able to roll at a very early age, and she has always been a little ahead of the game as far as movement goes. But she also went through a phase where she would refuse to attempt to even move. She would fall over (gently, no injuries) and just lay there and cry unless I sat her up. She was more than capable of rolling and even sitting herself up, but because she was always sat-up by someone else when she fell over, she wouldn't try it herself anymore. I'm convinced that the only reason she even learned to crawl was because I encouraged her to work through her frustration and at least try it.

Needless to say, Kylie has given me a run for my money over the course of the months that I've watched her. She's one particular little baby sometimes, and knows what she wants. But I can't help but look at that little smile and love her!!