Breastfeeding: I powered through.

Somehow I managed to keep breastfeeding. I know my last nursing post was about how things were going downhill, but being stubborn, I guess I powered through it. Ok, truthfully, I'm lazy. I can't believe I"m saying this now, but nursing her is actually easier than the idea of making and cleaning bottles. Even though I'm wanting to transition her into her own bed now, I still appreciate the ability to bring her next to me in the middle of the night and let her nurse herself back to sleep. I'm also cheap, so the thought of buying formula is irritating. 

I do worry that she's getting enough. She was 8 pounds at birth and is only now just doubling her weight at 7 months. Her appointment last week showed her weighing 16 lbs. 13 oz. and she dropped on the growth chart quite a bit. My mother-in-law's doctor, who we went to because of the confusion with the move now, isn't concerned after checking over her charts and taking a look at her. But I'm pretty sure Kayla was already nearly tripling her weight at some time around now. She's getting some solids now and finally a little interested, but it's only practicing at this point. I don't know. Mommy concern sometimes gets a little out of hand. 

Well, regardless of all that, I'm really glad I just kept at it. It's not my favorite thing, but I'm glad I'm able to do it. I know it's best for her, even if formula is also a perfectly good option, as well. I'm proud of myself for not giving in because of my awareness of the fact and how readily available those cans are in the store. I still haven't gotten used to nursing in public and probably won't, but I am also fine with finding a private place or feeding her in the car before heading into wherever I need to go. I have done it twice though! Once at the Detroit Zoo, and once at Sesame Place. Both times were awkward, but I can at least say I've tried. And that's not anyone's fault but my own- I think and wish that breastfeeding would be more common and acceptable. There's nothing wrong with anyone who does freely nurse in public, and I find myself bristling whenever I hear people bashing it. 

All in all, I'm still here! Yay! I have no idea how much longer I'll do it for, and I might wake up tomorrow and decide it's been long enough. But so far, I know I'll stop on my own terms instead of what my milk ducts decide and that's pretty awesome. 

My Breastfeeding Swansong

Ok. Here it is. The beginning of the end.

Paige is almost three months old. This isn't as long as I was hoping to nurse, but I know that it probably won't be long before I stop. I'm surprised with how well I'm handling it but that could be because I'm not really letting it set in yet.

At some point last week, she started to refuse to nurse during the day. It started out with her just pulling away a few times, but I finally stopped trying after days of screaming throughout  the whole process. She'd drink, pull away, scream for several minutes, try again, pull away, scream- repeat repeat repeat. I have a forceful letdown and the poor child was being practically drowned. And it wasn't just for a few moments at the beginning of each nursing session, it lasted almost the entire time. When the spray finally settled down into a reasonable flow for her to comfortably drink, there was very little left for her get. She's have to nurse for a really long time because of how little she was getting at once.

I have tried block feeding to get it under control, but that hasn't helped. I have tired to express some before she eats, but like I said, it's like everything comes spraying out until there's hardly any left so expressing some doesn't help.

I can really tell a difference between day and night nursing. I guess my supply drops a bit at night and it's bearable, because she still can nurse alright after 8 PM or so. She doesn't choke, hiccup, or even spit up over night. During the day we were a hot mess every single time.

So I started to pump during the day. After only a week, my supply has dropped. I'm doing everything I can to keep it up (Mother's milk tea, lots of water, oatmeal, etc.). But just like last time with my oldest daughter, pumping doesn't seem to be keeping my supply going as well as it should.

I'll keep trying and as long as I'm getting a decent amount, I'll continue to try to pump. But I just know this is the beginning of the end of my breastfeeding. My letdown issue won't resolve itself, so she probably won't be willing to nurse when she's choking. It really is a traumatic experience for us both so I can't say I blame her.

So we will see. I don't know what will happen in the upcoming weeks. I'm not anti-formula like some of my breastfeeding cohorts are. I have no concerns for her health or intelligence. In fact, my main reason for breastfeeding was COST of formula more than anything else. All the other benefits were just an added bonus for me. I'm just a little bummed to see things going down this path again but I'm much more prepared than I was when it didn't work out with Kayla, and I'm hoping that if we do stop completely, I won't have that overwhelming guilt like I did last time.

The Frustrated and Stressed Breastfeeding Mother's Top Ten Reasons to Continue Breastfeeding

I am not one of those women who loves breastfeeding. I barely even like it. When I read about other women's experiences I pictures rainbows and butterflies just exploding out of their nursing bras every time they feed their babies, smiles on their faces and an angelic choir singing somewhere in the background.

I'm usually a sweaty, milk-stained, hot mess with blood shot eyes and preschooler somewhere whining as my eye twitches.

I've spent over two months now working on this graceful and happy breastfeeding thing. For whatever reason, it's just not me. I accept it now. I can live with the fact that I'm missing the womanly gene that gives most other breastfeeding moms that warm and fuzzy feeling inside. Either that or it's tangled up in the strand of DNA that also likes NOT having to disrobe every hour or two to feed my baby, or possibly the one that enjoys wine. Obviously, the whole health aspect of it is great, but sometimes it's hard for me to remember that while I'm struggling to remain vigilant. So instead of feeling entirely agitated about the whole experience, I've come up with a few positives to focus on and get me through this trying time.

So here they are:

10.) The incentive to wear all those clothes that get shoved into the back of the closet. Sure, there's a lot more laundry when you have to change your shirt three times a day because you leak all over it, but at least that shirt that I haven't worn in 6 months gets a little air time.

9.) It's good practice in the event that I lose an arm. I can now make breakfast, lunch and dinner, clean, sort, and fold laundry, wipe the counters, mop the floor, dust, open mail, buckle my preschooler into her carseat and get her out of it, type on the computer, fix my hair and make up, make coffee, push a shopping cart, and create a play-doh snowman.... all using only one arm.

8.) The opportunity to leave a room or walk away at any moment I feel like it. Run into someone you don't feel like talking to? "Oh, sorry, I need to feed the baby! Let's definitely get together for lunch though! (Yeah, right!)" Your family driving you up the wall? "I'm going to go feed her in the bedroom, now!" It's like a built-in excuse to get out of any situation you want without coming off as rude. Just the opposite- most people will think you're just avoiding making them uncomfortable.

7.) Getting the most out of my monthly Netflix membership. I bet I've made them regret that low monthly fee for streaming video. In my first month of nursing alone I finished watching the series to date of Mad Men, most of X-files, and all 6 seasons of Lost- twice. Why twice? Well, why not? Also, I sort of don't get it. And in the same vein, catching up on my reading. My Nook is on fire these past few weeks! I know that I'll miss having the chance to sit down for more than a few moments once the baby is a little older and on the move, so at least I know being confined to the couch and bed for hours at a time isn't going to waste.

6.) That moment when I walk by the formula in the store and realize that I can now spend my 15-25 dollars on ANYTHING besides formula. Chocolate bars, ice cream, a new book, hair dye, make up, cupcakes, a bottle of wine.... even though I know that in all actuality I'll probably spend it on the kids anyway. But just knowing I have that extra cash is enough to make me smile for the rest of the day.

5.) My mother-in-law doesn't like it. Enough said.

4.) Letting my husband catch up on bed time duty. When 7 PM rolls around, if I am feeling a little tired, I can call down to my beloved hubby and ask him if he can give our oldest a bath tonight because, well, I'm feeding the baby. It's not like he's checking to see if I'm smashing my soundly sleeping infant into my boob a little bit. Come on, in 4 years I can count on one hand the amount of baths he's given before this. I think he owes me a few, right?

3.) I'm certainly exhausted, but making bottles in the middle of the night would absolutely ensure I was even more tired. I remember those days with my older daughter. Not fun, or safe, wandering around the house like a zombie with a crying, hungry baby angrily waiting for her bottle. Of all the positive aspects of nursing, I think the ability to just whip out a boob and nurse in the middle of the night is probably the greatest advantage. I am a woman who loves my sleep, and definitely appreciate the ability to be a little lazy like that.

2.) Boobs. Just in general. I'm normally a small-chested sort of gal, so being able to fill out my shirts is like a lifetime achievement for me, and hearing my husband actually say, "Wow, you're tits look awesome!" makes me giggle like a schoolgirl. I guess this is what normal women go through when they first start developing during puberty. I totally get it now. These puppies rule. Helllloooo nurse!

1.) You wanna talk about an ego-boost? I don't think there will ever be anyone as excited to see my boobs as my hungry baby is.