I'm pregnant!
We found out on June 15th when I got a positive home pregnancy test, and it certainly shocked me. Not in a bad way, but still, I really didn't think I could even get pregnant any more. With my ridiculous cycle and the history of girly-part problems in my family, I was convinced it wouldn't happen. Nevermind the fact that Brian and I had been trying for 9 months with no luck.
We estimated that when I found out I was about 4 weeks, maybe 5. Since then I was experiencing cramping and spotting, and by yesterday (June 21st) I was worried and slightly losing my mind enough to head to the ER, hoping they would do a couple of quick tests to put my mind at ease. I know that both cramping and bleeding can be common and totally normal, but I couldn't concentrate for worrying about it.
I spent 6 hours there yesterday. Went in at 11:30 and sat for about an hour in the waiting room before they called me in for some bloodwork. Then, about 20 minutes after that, I was called back again for more bloodwork. Back into the waiting room after that, pee cup in hand, for another stint there. It wasn't too much longer after that when they called me back and set me up in a backless gown and little nook with a bed. It was 2:30. A couple of nurses came in to take some vitals but other than that, I was alone for another hour before a doctor came in to verify that my lab results indicated that I was very likely pregnant. Ok?
He ordered an ultrasound and by 3:30 I was back in my little room, waiting. And waiting. And waiting. By 5, another nurse came in to tell me she was taking over, and I asked her if she could tell me how long it was going to be. Brian had to be at work at 1, and I really had to get home soon. She got cold and said she didn't know. Then I told her that I was so hungry, and that I hadn't eaten or had a drink since 9 this morning. She told me I wasn't allowed to eat or drink until the doctor saw me. Great.
Another half an hour went by, and I called the nurse using the button to tell them I really, really had to get going soon, was there any way they could please find out how long this was going to be. She said Ok, she'd check. 15 minutes later, I got dressed, walked up to the desk with my bag in hand and said that I had to leave. Now. The snarky woman behind the counter said to the doctor, now sitting across the bay at a computer, "Doctor So and So, 18 has to leave... NOW." He asked if I was able to, and I said I felt about the same as I did before, but I really couldn't stay an longer because my husband was already almost 5 hours late for work. He then started to tell me what he found on the ultrasound, which he had been looking at as we spoke.
They found that I had a subchorionic hematoma. Basically, a blood clot in between the placenta and uterus. He gave a quick description, and then said he'd meet me back in the room and I'd be discharged.
When he came back, I asked him if that meant I'd miscarry. He said it was a possibility, but that many people had these and had perfectly healthy babies. As far as what was to be done- nothing. Sometimes they correct themselves, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they can lead to miscarriage, sometimes preterm labor if unresolved by 20 weeks, sometimes they are gone by the next ultrasound. Many people get to about 20 weeks and then lose their babies.
I went home and started googling it, which was probably a bad idea. I found there were plenty of positive stories of success with these things, but there's still a good number of people who's outcome isn't so happy. I knew going in there yesterday that something was wrong. I've had a bad, gut feeling about things since I found out. You'd think that having tried for so long to get pregnant that the positive test would make me elated, but I felt morose and hesitant to tell anyone about the pregnancy, especially family. Brian wanted to scream it from the mountaintops, and it was all I could do to stop him from putting it on Facebook.
And now I feel even more distanced. I know that there's nothing I can do one way or another to affect the outcome of this, but it's easier for everyone else to say not to worry. They're not feeling the constant cramping and pulling I'm feeling. They don't see the blood every time they go to the bathroom. Even knowing that I really shouldn't be concerned, I can't do anything but worry with the perpetual, ever-present reminder that things aren't right. So instead of feeling happy and excited, like I obviously hoped for this pregnancy, I'm not even allowing myself to think of myself as pregnant. As a general rule now, I try to imagine that someone ELSE is pregnant. Someone else has this ridiculous worry to deal with, and someone else might possible miscarry or go into preterm labor.
Aside from that, they dated the pregnancy at 4 weeks. Which is just not accurate. The math is wrong, and it wouldn't have been physically possible. I'll not dwell on that one just yet until I get a better dating. He said the embryo was so small they couldn't read anything on it, including whether or not it was even in the uterus. Great.
Next appointment is Friday. Three more days, if you include today. We'll see.
